I don't know where to start. This is something really personal to me. I couldn't care less of what other people will think about this but this is big deal for me. I've been crying about this from the very first moment I thought of it. But I have to do it. I have to let go. This won't really be forever. It just can't be.
I have to stop it now. I have to stop breasfeeding my baby, NOW.
This might sound funny but this just breaks my heart. You may not understand where I'm coming from especially if you have not committed yourself into it. I am a firm believer and an advocate of breastfeeding and I can honestly say that I have spent two years of my life planning to do this and doing it.
At first, my goal is to provide my daughter the best things - from the milk to antibodies to nutrients to strong immune system. Plus the fact that it is cheaper. I was told that it is a great way to build relationship with your child and I attest to that. It didn't only establish a connection to my daughter but this activity became the core of our lives together.
Breastfeeding had helped during the early months. I never had a bad moment with her unlike other mothers. I can;t even remember a time that she won't stop crying at night because she was well breastfed. I won't say I never lack sleep coz I did and I still do but not because she keeps me awake at night by crying out loud but because I just want to look at her, watch her sleep and know she's ok and still with me.
As she grows older, she learns new things, she gets to discover what she can do physically by herself. From the time she learned to move her head, lie down, sit, stand, walk and talk all by herself, she still feeds from me. It is our bonding activity. It is where she probably feels safe with me. It is when I get to hold her close in my arms and watch her fall asleep. I can even remember the days when she still so small and I can breastfeed her easily using only one arm. The times she hugs me when she feeds and when she hugs me tighter when I try to remove my nipple from her mouth. I bet she really needs me more than the milk she gets from me. It is really me she wants and loves.
Babies are really intelligent and so is my daughter. The first time I tried to breastfeed her, she just instantly sucked my nipple as if she has been doing it for years (she was only two days old then). Now that she's more than a year old, she knows how to switch breasts. She knows when I have plenty and when I only have few. She knows when I am hurt when i get wounded by her teeth or perhaps, the friction for too much breastfeeding. She knows when I am mad when she bites me and not letting go of it. I had my share of baby-teeth scary stories too. Still getting nipple-wounded every now and then. Not only that, her fingers also know how to wander around, pinching every nipple she sees. Yes! Even her father's, her uncle's and lolo's. She's done it. This is the funny part.
And now, trying to stop her takes a lot of courage. Especially when you get home from work and she goes to you, hug you and tries to reach for your breast at once without letting me change clothes first. I consider it a form of flattery. She wants me to know she misses me, she misses the time with me, she misses the time we're together. But what if I stop and she stops doing this too?
People, well, my mother-in-law keeps telling me to stop it and I'm just freaking getting fed up of her telling me this. It is not easy, at all. And just the thought of it breaks me down. the thought of not having my daughter as close as I can get to her when we do it, tears my heart. What if she won't like me anymore? What if she prefers to be with somebody else than me? What if she just snobs me? These are some of the things that scare me. The nega-what-ifs..
But I have to turn things around and erase this negativity. I should have the positive-what-ifs. What if she gets used to feeding 8oz milk from the bottle like 5x a day? I'm sure she'll gain more weight and will get prettier and more cutey-cutie. What if she stops breastfeeding and she gets to enjoy more food? Then I bet she'll grow not being a picky eater. What if I stop and she drinks her milk before she sleeps and sleep well for 7-8straight hours without asking for milk and food? That means I can get more sleep too. Definitely, win-win for both of us.
But how do I stop? I honestly know how but then again, the thought of it sinks in for the nth time.
This month, she'll be one year and six months. Today, I decided to start a new system with her. Later, I will prepare myself for what's going to happen. Tonight, when I get home, I'll do it. I just have to. For her, for myself, for us. But before that, I will hold her close just they way we do it, let her feed for the last time and remember the last moment it's going to happen. Oh my god! this is even hard to write. But I still need to do it Sari because mama loves you.
