in times like this...

in times like this...

you pause..

you begin to ask questions...

"What am I doing?"

"Have I made the right choices?"

"Why am I not breaking the barrier?"

I should stop being a mediocre!

sheeessh... really really frustrating.

I want to go home now.

Unsuccessful

This is, I feel, my status right at this moment. I am unsuccessful (but I'm not saying I'm a failure.)

Career

Let's put it this way? Do I know which career I really really want to pursue? Honestly, I am not sure. And for that, I am unsuccessful. 

Positive:  I am currently enjoying my career in PR despite the challenges and my self-pressure (if there is a word).

I just don't know how I can be good enough. I guess, in any field, you can not just be good enough, you have to be one of the best. But do I know how to go about that? Have I tried doing what I know and finding that I needed to to be the best? No. 

Again, I am unsuccessful

Creativity/skill/Talent

Ever since I was a child/younger, I remember singing, dancing, drawing, hosting Beauty Pageant Games with my playmates, making my own bracelet, sewing clothes for my doll and for myself, cross stitching, building a structure with recycled materials to produce an equilibrium balance, trying to maximize a small space to play bahay-bahayan and a lot more. But have I really excel to all of these? No, not even one of these. Unsuccessful

Positive: joined Singing contests and won 5/7. Good. Enjoyed dancing when I do it. Hosted a few events from the so-so to Greenbelt level. Had my structure of my recycled material compete with others when I was in freshmen HS (but didn't win, Still positive because I thought I had the worst project and was even planning not to submit it, I was the last person to present but my science teacher found brilliance in it. )

What did I do to hone even of these? I tried all but I never tried focusing on one. So there I realized I have to choose one and I think I am just freaking too late to do it. 

Education

Went to public school in grade 1 transfered to UST in gr2, graduated elem and college there. Had HS in QPS. 

Positive: Top 1 in kinder. went straight to Grade 1. Got 2nd honorable mention  and won other academic stuff in HS. Sent myself to college for four years because of scholarship that required a maintaining grade and a service.

But didnt even reach DL list in college which is frustrating now. I could have done better. I find that I was most unsuccessful in college. Cant really remember hard core topics from class. tried to be serious but end up being one of class clowns or a villain. I feel like I stayed there because I want to get a degree but I never really had that commitment to excel. if i really wanted to be a DL, i should have worked harder for it. Should have stepped up in class and make your professors aware of  'hey! see me when I get out of here. I'm gonna be up there!". But where I am now, still confused of what i want to be. i used to thinkI know what I want but the funny thing is i didn't even know why the hell i thought of it. Unsuccessful.

Relationships

(Let's get my family out of here because I think it's the best relationship I have.)

Not really good at building relationships. i don't how to start conversations and keep it going. If I become too friendly but they see the bitch side of me, I scare people away. probably they think I'm not real. If I show my stronger side first, people get intimidated and I still scare them away. When they get to know I can  be soft, they act differently but u know that they're still scared.

I never had a best friend. maybe i called a few people before a best friend but they were really not. All i know i have friends, really good friends but u just dont see them often and feel like they are not there at all. At the end of the day, i find myself thinking, how the hell should i build a great relationship with people? How the hell should i make myself closer to acquaintances and friends? Have I found the answer? No. Unsuccessful.

Positive: Still in contact with people i consider friends. (vis-a-vis)

I tend to become territorial too. I'd rather be with the same group of people than let other people, whom I dont really know, to come in. I'd rather be alone than get into a middle of an established group. i'd rather talk about myself than let someone I dont like share his thoughts. So I really dont know how to be friend with people anymore. Iused to be so jovial and so enthusiastic with making friends but I just got tired of it.

What's frustrating is, you just don't know who would be left there when you show all the bad side of you. even though you've got almost a thousand friends in FB, you can only use one hand to count those people who might be there when all things fail. Maybe because I was unsuccessful.

SUCCESS

I'm a mother

I'm a wife

I have a man who's true to me

I have a daughter who came from me

I have parents who believes in me

I have siblings who cares for me

I have grandparents who still look after me

I have families who are dear to me

I have a nephew, nieces and cousins who are sweet to me

I have friends, though few, who are true

I have in-laws who support me

I have officemates who accept me

I have a boss who trusts me

I have a great God

I have believers

I am still a dreamer

I am still alive.

letting go and moving on..from breastfeeding. (A mom's withdrawal)

Yes. I guess, it's time to embrace the truth, let go and start moving on. 

I don't know where to start. This is something really personal to me. I couldn't care less of what other people will think about this but this is big deal for me. I've been crying about this from the very first moment I thought of it. But I have to do it. I have to let go. This won't really be forever. It just can't be.

I have to stop it now. I have to stop breasfeeding my baby, NOW.

This might sound funny but this just breaks my heart. You may not understand where I'm coming from especially if you have not committed yourself into it. I am a firm believer and an advocate of breastfeeding and I can honestly say that I have spent two years of my life planning to do this and doing it.

At first, my goal is to provide my daughter the best things - from the milk to antibodies to nutrients to strong immune system. Plus the fact that it is cheaper. I was told that it is a great way to build relationship with your child and I attest to that. It didn't only establish a connection to my daughter but this activity became the core of our lives together. 

Breastfeeding had helped during the early months. I never had a bad moment with her unlike other mothers. I can;t even remember a time that she won't stop crying at night because she was well breastfed. I won't say I never lack sleep coz I did and I still do but not because she keeps me awake at night by crying out loud but because I just want to look at her, watch her sleep and know she's ok and still with me.

As she grows older, she learns new things, she gets to discover what she can do physically by herself. From the time she learned to move her head, lie down, sit, stand, walk and talk all by herself, she still feeds from me. It is our bonding activity. It is where she probably feels safe with me. It is when I get to hold her close in my arms and watch her fall asleep. I can even remember the days when she still so small and I can breastfeed her easily using only one arm. The times she hugs me when she feeds and when she hugs me tighter when I try to remove my nipple from her mouth. I bet she really needs me more than the milk she gets from me. It is really me she wants and loves.

Babies are really intelligent and so is my daughter. The first time I tried to breastfeed her, she just instantly sucked my nipple as if she has been doing it for years (she was only two days old then). Now that she's more than a year old, she knows how to switch breasts. She knows when I have plenty and when I only have few. She knows when I am hurt when i get wounded by her teeth or perhaps, the friction for too much breastfeeding. She knows when I am mad when she bites me and not letting go of it. I had my share of baby-teeth scary stories too. Still getting nipple-wounded every now and then. Not only that, her fingers also know how to wander around, pinching every nipple she sees. Yes! Even her father's, her uncle's and lolo's. She's done it. This is the funny part.

And now, trying to stop her takes a lot of courage. Especially when you get home from work and she goes to you, hug you and tries to reach for your breast at once without letting me change clothes first. I consider it a form of flattery. She wants me to know she misses me, she misses the time with me, she misses the time we're together. But what if I stop and she stops doing this too?

People, well, my mother-in-law keeps telling me to stop it and I'm just freaking getting fed up of her telling me this.   It is not easy, at all. And just the thought of it breaks me down. the thought of not having my daughter as close as I can get to her when we do it, tears my heart. What if she won't like me anymore? What if she prefers to be with somebody else than me? What if she just snobs me? These are some of the things that scare me. The nega-what-ifs.. 

But I have to turn things around and  erase this negativity. I should have the positive-what-ifs. What if she gets used  to feeding 8oz milk from the bottle like 5x a day? I'm sure she'll gain more weight and will get prettier and more cutey-cutie. What if she stops breastfeeding and she gets to enjoy more food? Then I bet she'll grow not being a picky eater. What if I stop and she drinks her milk before she sleeps and sleep well for 7-8straight hours without asking for milk and food? That means I can get more sleep too. Definitely, win-win for both of us.

But how do I stop? I honestly know how but then again, the thought of it sinks in for the nth time.

This month, she'll be one year and six months. Today, I decided to start a new system with her. Later, I will prepare myself for what's going to happen. Tonight, when I get home, I'll do it. I just have to. For her, for myself, for us. But before that, I will hold her close just they way we do it, let her feed for the last time and remember the last moment it's going to happen. Oh my god! this is even hard to write. But I still need to do it Sari because mama loves you.

I just had my daughter stand in the corner...

Being a mom is just one of the best things that happened in my life but trying to be a SUPERMOM to my daughter has always been a hard work.

Ever since I gave birth to Sari, I try to provide her the best things possible with all my might and this phrase equates to... BREASTFEEDING (don't let me get started with this...)

Anyway, last night was just a usual night for us, Rich, Sari and I. We started the night playing by rolling on the bed which makes Sari giggle like there's no tomorrow. It was really a nice bonding time we had as a  family. Until Sari started to hostage me by reaching for my breast and fed herself while we were lying down.. It was smooth sailing  for a couple of minutes then she started to bite my nipple which made me shout and call her attention. She knows how I react when she does it so whenever I let go of her while telling her, "Don't bite Mama," she immediately pulls me and suck my nipple again. The funny thing about that was when my husband Rich started to laugh so, probably, Sari thought it was ok and boom! She bit my other nipple! 

And I just shouted, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SAAAAAAARRRRI!

Then she just had that cute sad facial expression, breathe heavily, started shouting and tears start streaming down her face. She knows I got hurt and she probably thinks I was mad. I was scolding her and telling her blah blah..but she was just at raged too. She was shouting like a pig and started to hit me.

So I decided to carry her and made her stand in the corner. The moment she noticed she was already in the corner, the crying stopped (but the heavy breathing went on). And I started to tell her that:

"stay in the corner. Why did u hit mama? It's not right Sari." (she stopped crying and looked at me straight in the eyes)

"Mama is not mad. Mama loves you so much." (Sari was sobbing while looking at me)

"Mama just want you to listen." (kept on sobbing then started to munch her pinky) 

"How many times should I tell you NOT to bite mama? it's not funny." (still  sobbing  ) 

"Mama is hurt, it is painful. Do you want Mama to bite you too?" (she reacted with a cry, I bet she understood me)

"Come here, mama is not mad." (then she cried with a short "waah" and refused to come to me.)

I came to her and carried her. She hugged me back and started reaching for my breast again. 

That moment, I knew we're ok.

Breastfeeding resumed while I tell her how much mama loves her and explaining why I had to do it.

Then we went back on the bed and she started rolling again. The funny thing was when she started talking (and of course we didn't get it). It is as if she was role-playing with Mary, her rug doll. Really cute.

My hubby and I watched her play, then we looked at each other and I said, "just made her stand in the corner." And we both laughed.

And then the thought of raising a good child kicked in.

MOVIE GEEK's ULTIMATE TEST

I came across a website featuring this really smart short film by Felix Meyer. Don't know who he is but he's freaking genius (and so his team). 

This minimalist video is a tribute to 35 films. The challenge is to identify which films are featured. So if you consider yourself a certified movie fanatic then go ahead, test yourself. I only identified one movie the first time I watched this... spell loser S-A-M. lol!

35mm by Felix Meyer

35mm from Felix Meyer on Vimeo.


source: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/

AMAZING FACT for the day

Instead of being nocturnal or diurnal, some animals are “crepuscular,” meaning they are primarily active during the twilight hours of dawn and dusk.

That's the reason why you find yourself awake when you're trying to get more sleep. Apologies dear, it seems they love to party 'til dawn. Maybe it's time for you to get rid of them if you plan to get more sleep tonight.

Now I know why I behave drunk when I'm not.

Ive been asked several times if I'm drunk or let me just say, my husband tells me "para kang lasing" because Im too energetic and enthusiastic at times. And that's because I love to eat chocolates! Here's why...

Acc to some research,chocolate contains methyxanthines,biogenic amines,and cannabinoid-like fatty acids "that potentailly cause abnormal behaviors and psychological sensations that parallel those of other addictive substances." Hence, the terms, "chocoholic" or even "chocolate addict."

--- Margaux Salcedo
Sunday Inq Mag

I LOVE

I'M BACK and AMPLIFIED..Hold tight!

It's been almost two years since I have regular job. Now that I am back, I'll make sure I have my PECC-PECC in me...

P - positivity

E - energy

C - confidence

C - Commitment

I have to admit that I was really scared at the start but my PECC-PECC helped me get through.

So when you feel low and uninspired, remember that you have PECC-PECC, it will make you amplified!

To keep you get through the day, here's ur mantra: "Sa PECC-PECC, walang makakalusot na lintek"

Talking about GIRL POWER! Good times!

Bitchday 2010

Look at me, no longer 23
Still, beautiful
A sight to see...tonight

When friendster still rules

I found the scrapbook I made for my husband on our first anniversary as boyfriend/girlfriend beside our bed and decided to look at it again. It was a lil weird at once. You know, when you can't remember how exactly it felt while writing each caption or posting pictures in it. But I found myself smiling and writing my CURRENT comment on the things I wrote there. It was fun and cute. And we totally looked different.

More than the fun, I found greater appreciation on what my husband and I have right now. I can't believe that years ago I was writing about our future together and now, we are in the present of our future. 

I still love him, now that Facebook is a phenomenon, but more than I love him when friendster still rules.

SONG FOR THE MOMENT: Fix you by Coldplay

...when you lose something you can't replace

when you love someone but it goes to waste

could it be worse...

lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and i will try to

fix you.

Girls, BEWARE!

Did you know that SPERM can live for three (3) hours in a toilet seat? And yes!

So if you can't be good, be extremely careful. Who would want to be sperminated by a toilet seat?! lol!

Click here to know more about SEMEN in DJ Mo Twister website

FAIL

Feedbacks?!

Ang cute ni Harlow

Wakeboarding can be my life!

I always thought that there is a big chance that I may excel in something that is physically challenging. I may be slender and may look frail, but I know with my determination and competitiveness, I can make it.


I just experienced the best adrenaline rush after more than five years when I went to Camsur Watersports Complex (CWC) this weekend. Gawd! It was really fun and I can't seem to have enough of it!


Wakeboarding (from Wikipedia) is a surface water sport which involves riding a wakeboard over the surface of a body of water. It was developed from a combination of water skiing, snow boarding and surfing techniques.


The good thing about CWC is it is man-made and they have beginners spot. So you don't have to test your skill in open water. It gives you an additional amount of confidence to do it. 


I was unsuccessful during the first and the second time I tried. Unlike my husband who succeeded to finish a lap without falling on his first try. But I was able to master the technique on the third and successfully finished and turn during my last ride. 


I promise myself I'd go back. And if that happens, I'll try the ramp and just let wakeboardingbe my life! hahahA!

here I am trying it on land

Click here to be directed to Camsur Watersports Complex website

Holy Week 2010, not so holy anymore.

It's funny when I was younger, I find Holy Week the most boring and most awkward week. I can't play. I can't even shout or make my voice louder and can't eat meat. It was also a scary week. There were beliefs that since Jesus Christ is dead, evil spirits are stronger and more powerful. It is as if they will hunt you.  I can't even move freely because I was afraid to get wounded. And if I do, it would take time to heal because the Healer is dead.

When I get a lil older, Holy Week became a general cleaning week. I remember my mama telling us that we have to get up early so we can finish everything. sabi nga ni mama, "minsan lang ako sipagin." So whenever she says "Go!", we have to do it.

But more than anything else, Holy week is just a stay-at-home-with-the-family week for us. We rarely go out or have an excursion during this time unlike other families do. I remember the first time we had an excursion during the holy week. It was a black saturday and I was asking the elders if it is ok to go out and have fun when Jesus christ is still dead.

Now, I noticed that this occasion has become more festive than peaceful. Instead of people reflecting and fasting, most of us go out of town for vacation, beach parties and have fun. And I am one of them. Though, I must say that I was never the type who participates in Senakulos or Pabasas. I didn't grow up doing the Bisita Iglesia and Stations of the Cross (just tried it this year). It's just sort of strange when you see that tradition is actually changing. And the change is something you can't really tell if it's good or bad. I just can't decide that.

Nevertheless, I am glad that there is a large amount of Filipinos in the provinces and some in the cities who continue the Holy Week tradition. I am not saying that I am ok with how they do it, like procession of the statues, I just think of it like paganism.

Although it seems that this occasion may not as holy as before, at least there is a part of you who still celebrated this event in the way you know how. Hope you still gave thanks regardless of who and what you believe in.

BLUE MOON tonight

I took a photo of the blue moon tonight. This is just so wonderful. It is so bright and white. The moon is perfect for a beach party or some petiks mode somewhere under it. Really amazing.

Tonight is the second full moon for this month that's why they call it blue moon. And yes, it is not blue.

Don't forget too check it out,we might be having the next blue moon in 2011.

BE LIKE BECKS!

I just love David Beckham. If I'd be given a chance to be somebody even just for a day, I would really want to be Posh because I get to be a Spice girl, a fashion icon and the wife of this wonderful man.

Becks is just woah! He amuses me in every way.

This a great read from Askmen.com about how David Beckham has successfully inspired ALL of us to have a certain degree of respect to him.

Here are Becks image lessons that we, men and women, can all learn from.
(Top 5 image lessons from David Beckham)

5.  Have no regrets

Don't be bitter -- keep looking forward and be happy with what you've achieved so far. The ability to forgive and maintain a positive attitude will do wonders for the way you’re perceived by others.

4. Give back

You’ve worked hard to get where you are, but at one point someone once gave you a hand to get there. Don’t underestimate the reward you’ll get from giving back. 

3. Set your own trends

Always be open to try new things and don't assume that just because something hasn't hit the heights of popularity yet, it isn't worth investing your money or time in.

2. Smile
A simple smile will relax you and put those around you at ease. A smile, as they say, costs you nothing and it will make you far more approachable, whether you’remeeting women or you’re in a formal situation -- more so than the guy with a constant scowl on his face.

1. Family first
Family is the cornerstone of every man’s life, and is the one thing that gives you meaning and direction. A man who can take care of business at home is a man who knows where his priorities lie. He’s also a man that demands respect.


Hope DB gets better soon. 

Would you color your porsche PINK?

Mariah Carey received a PINK PORSCHE as a birthday gift from her husband, Nick Canon.

I love it! I want to have a HOT PINK or a LIME GREEN Porsche too or a bimmer.

Would you color your dream car with a loud hue?

From GG to Reality: Lily and Rufus getting together for real??

source: Perez Hilton

If you happen to be a fan of Gossip Girl and goin gaga with Lily-Rufus love story, you might be thrilled with this news.

Matthew Settle and Kelly Rutherford, who play Rufus and Lily in Gossip girl, are said to be romantically involved. Allegedly, they turn to each other for support as they both experience nasty divorces. 

Hmm..inneresting.

Hope they'd be able to settle whatever it is they have to with their respective parties. Divorce is always a sad thing.

Thoughts?

Can someone give me this pair of shoes?!!! PuhleeazzzE!

The Bitch, Georgina is back.

Something you've never seen from Michelle Tractenberg before.enjoy boys!

http://askmen.com/video/entertainment/762-michelle-tractenberg-photo-shoot-video.html

Walking in the beach in bikini is the most liberating thing ever!

Surprised?!  I bet you are.

I never tried wearing a full bikini number and didn't know that doing it will be the most liberating experience ever.

Thanks for my marses' (Lhen and Chi) who encouraged me to strut my post-pregnancy body...you work it marse'! snap snap snap!

...but we're actually running here..lol!

What's your most liberating experience?

Feelin' the FIERCE

Spotted:

KATIE HOLMES looking cute in a military jacket and a ruffled top in LA.

Fierce! Are you feelin' it?

AMAZING FACT #2

What do WONDER WOMAN and LIE DETECTOR have in common?

they both have the same creator, WILLIAM MARTSON

http://www.mentalfloss.com/amazingfactgenerator

Why is SARAH PALIN being bullied?

I heard about this woman a few years ago as John Mcain running mate and was surprised by the attacks thrown at her during the campaign and even until now. I read Going Rogue and it is really one of the best reads I had. Oh well, I am actually not into reading too much especially biographies, but I have to say, this book by Sarah Palin was well-written and really interesting and I was a lil  surprised  too for finishing it.

Sarah is an amazing, decent, grounded and an intelligent woman. I just don't get why US media, tabloids and bloggers (http://perezhilton.com/2010-03-29-levi-johnston-to-challenge-sexy-sarahs-reality-show-with-his-own) torture her and her family.

Why don't you give her a chance. watch her reality show. Lol!

Party Pilipinas or ASAP XV

Yesterday, Party Pilipinas debuted on national TV. I was not able to watch the whole production,only a few parts. But one thing I noticed, the set and the stage look like ASAP XV.

SOP and PARTY PILIPINAS have almost the same people. I can't really assess the first episode since I did not see it so I need your thoughts on this.

Is Party Pilipinas worth watching?

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images

Are these girls still there? 

AMAZING FACT #1

‘Jay’ used to be slang for ‘foolish person.’ So when a pedestrian ignored street signs, he was referred to as a ‘jaywalker.’


http://www.mentalfloss.com/amazingfactgenerator/

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/

Kung sadyang mangyayari ito, marami na sigurong namatay sa kawalan ng disiplina.

after you do your thing, do you use TOILET PAPER or TABO?

I came across with this article at Mentalfloss (click the link for the article http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs//archives/40088) about Toilet Paper history and how big it is in America. I had no idea they've been using it for 150 years.

In the Philippines, majority of the people still use water, of course, with the help of tabo to clean your stuff down there. But since there is a special connection established between our country and US (due to American occupation years ago) and great influence it brings the people, toilet or tissue paper has been an alternative.

I am still comfortable using tabo and water. But toilet paper has been a great companion too especially if it is wet.

How about you, TABO or PAPEL?

finally, a BEACH getaway with friends this year!

My husband and daughter, together with my closest friends, Chi, JP, Lhen and Walt,went to Bataan for a quick escape from every thing that's bothering all of us in Manila. We went to the Anvaya Cove for a day visit and stayed overnight in Phi-Phi. Thanks to my hubby Rich for making it happen. It's always a dream of mine to spend vacations with friends in beach resorts.I am glad we just did. I had a blast!

Shouting it Out!

I am now SHOUTING OUT!

Finally, I can.

It's hard to tell your 100% emotions to a social networking site. Isn't it? Of course, we only let real people we truly know absorb what we really have to say. So, I am glad I finally decided to create a podium where I can stand, talk and get, or probably waste some, of your time listening to my non-important thoughts. But mind you, I may make sense at times because I am normal. Just like you. And whatever it is that i feel, you probably feel or felt it too.

So before I go further, some brief details about me.

WHAT: I am a NEW mother to a wonderful and adorable one year old little girl and a WIFE to a very lucky man, haha! But seriously, I think I am more lucky to have him.
WHEN: Just recently.
WHERE: In Manila, Phil
WHO: I already said it
WHY: Because it is the life I chose to live
HOW: I have no idea. I live life just the way it is. I follow what I think is right. Although at some points in my life, I doubt my own ideas and instincts but still go for it. I don't know if that makes me the kind of person who takes risks but I feel not. But some people say so.

This is where I will trace my tear drops -- the happy ones, the sad ones and just the OA ones.

And if you feel like tracing with me, you are all free to do it.